Your little girl is an angel most of the time... until you sit her down between your knees to comb her hair. Then it's tears and squeals and tantrum time.
I don't have kids myself, but trust me, I know. I was once that little girl. And I can tell you from experience, there's a right way and a wrong way to care for your child's hair.
Warning: Clicking on the image above might make you upset if you love children or hate foul, offensive language.
I first learned about this story via The Root, in Teresa Wiltz's essay Beauty, the Brush, and Black Girl Pain. I can barely stand to watch this now-infamous YouTube video, which raises more questions than it answers.
For example, does this mother think she's actually making an efficient and effective attempt at combing her little girl's hair? Because she isn't. In fact, she's doing just the opposite.
Why on earth would she speak to her child in this manner? This woman is addressing a 5-year-old with four-letter words in a tone dripping with disdain. This is not how a truly loving mother should ever speak to her child.
And, finally, why is this little girl's teenage sister filming all of this? It makes you wonder what's happening at that home when the camera isn't rolling.
Before I dive headfirst into this topic, a little background story on me.
When I was 3 years old, I had a long, wild, crazy mane of hair. And I gave my parents hellfire to comb it. One day my hair had been combed into two thick plaits, and I was out in the front yard playing with some older neighborhood girls who weren't so nice to me once our parents' backs were turned. Well, long story short, one of those girls braided my hair into the chains of a swing set. My dad had to cut the braid to free me, and I had a short little tennis-ball Afro until I was 4 or 5.
And when it grew back, I went right back to giving my parents fire and brimstone every time they tried to comb my hair. By the time I was 6, Mama Bella had enough. To the hairdresser I went for my first relaxer.
When I turned 23, I decided no more chemicals for me. I had no idea what my natural texture was like or what it could be like. If I only learned how to care for it, love it and treat it like it deserved to be treated.
I find it incredibly sad that so many of us, people of color, don't know how to care for our hair as it's meant to be. We don't know how to maintain our hair without the use of harsh chemicals that come pre-packaged with gloves to protect our hands from the stinging. We don't realize how beautiful and blessed we are from birth. Instead, we begin an immediate quest to tame our natural beauty and to conform to a texture and appearance we will continually have to struggle to upkeep.
This is where the roots of self-loathing begin -- at the feet of a parent who makes a child believe that her hair is ugly, that she can't "be somebody" without being tamed into submission.
Since I started blogging here at Black Voices, I have gotten several e-mails from desperate mothers who have turned to a relaxer to solve their child's hair-maintenance issues. Kids as young as 3 and 4 years old are getting their hair chemically treated. Kids younger than 10 have hair so damaged that it's thinning or falling out.
People, this is not the way.
If you, or your mother in law, or your auntie, or your grandma, or some misguided-though-well-meaning soul put chemicals on your child's head in an effort to ease the burden of styling their hair, it's up to you to stop the madness.
It's up to you to educate yourself on how to take care of your little girl's hair. It'll take a little effort, but the rewards are immeasurable.
There is no shortage of fantastic resources for parents who have the desire to learn how best to care for their children's hair. Here's a must-read list for any struggling parent.
-- 'Motown Girl's Basic Haircare for Children'
-- Nappturality has great articles about transitioning, for any parent who has relaxed their child's hair too early. There is also a whole forum devoted to Napptural Children and Parenting.
-- 'Kinki Kreations: A Parent's Guide to Natural Black Hair Care' is a great book. Contact your local library to see if it's available.
-- Your little one should read 'I Love My Hair!' by Natasha Tarpley, a story that encourages a child to love her hair as it grows naturally.
-- Depending on how you feel about the word nappy (I'm not a fan, but I have many friends in the natural-hair community who are fine with it), you may want to check out the book 'Nappy Hair.' It's celebrated as a children's book that affirms a positive self-image. So does the renowned 'Happy to Be Nappy' by bell hooks, which encourages little girls to love themselves as they are.
And here are some general rules of thumb from my own experience, things I wish I could say to the misguided woman in that awful YouTube video.
Treat your child as you want to be treated. Remember that this is a child with a tender head and a still-developing mind. The words you speak to her now will take root and grow. So if you love your child and want your child to love herself, try not to use terms like "good" and "bad" hair. Try your best not to complain or be angry as you style your little one's hair. Try to make it an enjoyable ritual for both you and her, and that way it won't become a regular exercise of pain and struggle.
Comb her hair from the bottom, and work your way up to the top. For kinky and coarse hair, it works best when it's soaking wet and drenched with conditioner. I comb mine out with a big wide-toothed comb only when I'm in the shower. Or you can use a product like Knot Today by Kinky Curly to help with the de-tangling process.
If it's absolute agony to maintain your little one's hair every week, then consider keeping it cut short instead. It could save you both a whole lot of heartache and pain, and she'll look just as adorable.
If you have to keep your child's hair long and want to style it a certain way for appearance's sake, consider doing what Emory professor Clifton Green and his wife did, seen in this beautiful slide show of images by the Atlanta Journal Constitution.
Do research, educate yourself, take a hair-care class, find a local stylist who specializes in natural hair and can offer tips. Make hair-styling time bonding time, not a burden, not something to be dreaded or feared. That will go a long way toward enriching the relationship between you and your child, and it will give her healthy self-esteem for the future. When she's old enough to care for her own hair -- even if she chooses at that point to use a relaxer or to change the texture by some other means -- she will appreciate the time you invested. Trust me.
The above image of the adorable little girl is from the Julie set of photos by DouaLiege on Flickr. Discovered via Anti-Racist Parent.
Comments: (41)
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By: qshukura on 7/29/2009 9:05AM
Thank you Patrice, this information is so needed in this day and age.
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By: Ladyday on 7/29/2009 1:26PM
This is much needed. I have an 8 month old little girl, who's hair happens to be very differnt than my own mane of hair. My daughter has a softer, curlier texture, and my hair is kinky curly. People come up to her and rub her head saying, "Oh, she still has good hair". That makes me cringe. My reply is, "All hair is good". Our little girls need to know that thier hair is "good", no matter what texture it happens to be. The slide-show about the Greens made me teary eyed. The patience and love shown by the family should be imitated by all.
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By: lanap on 7/29/2009 5:56PM
Thank you for this article. My daughter is 12 years old & does not have any chemicals in her hair & will not have any if I can help it. I have always told her that she was beautiful no matter what; her hair didn't define her & that true beauty comes from within. I too was your age when I got my first "kiddie perm" & to this day, I have no idea what my natural texture is or could be like. Thank you again for the article & the reminder to treat our children the way we would want to be treated.
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By: Nicole on 7/29/2009 6:30PM
To each his own. Either staying natural or using chemicals, it still requires that you love on your hair. Personally, if young girls are going to go the chemical route, they need to wait until after they have started puberty, as when those hormones start your hair does change.
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By: aamilah9 on 7/30/2009 8:46AM
thank you for your article. my daughter is 11, and it broke my heart when, at age 6, she told me she wanted 'smooth hair' like queen latifah. even my 4 year old asks me, whenever she sees any the disney princesses, "ummi, will my hair be like this, will i have princess hair?" and we have all of the children's books you mentioned in addition to 'bippity bop barbershop", by natasha tarpley.
my hair has been natural since i was 16. and i and all my kids (except the little one, whose getting there) have a head full of it. my sons braids, at 13, were creeping toward elbow length. ironically, he haid more pride in his year than his sister, the 11 year old, whose hair is gorgeous but not 'smooth'.
my beautiful 11 year old girl is starting middle school, and has asked me if she can make the choice to wear her kemar or not. my mother and i have had heated arguments about whether or not i should force her to wear it. believe it or not, my decision to make her kemar thus far has not been based on my religious convictions - her relationship with God is hers personally - but rather her self-image about her hair. i felt that when she could look into a mirror without her kemar and love her hair and herself unconditionally, the way God does, then she would be ready to face the world with her head (and her hair) held high. thank God, that day came this spring when i asked her if she wanted to give a press and curl yet another try (after many tears and failed visits to black salons that still had no idea how to manage natural hair)and she said, "no, i like my puffball". i wanted to cry and call my mom.
it's such a shame that parents of little black girls have to constantly affirm how beautiful they are. even though my daughter has accepted her hair, she still wants to have it pressed if she chooses to not wear a kemar. i guess i'll have to be content with small victories, but i hope that parents like the one in the video realize that our children will most likely be what we call them.
black is beautiful. always has been, always will be.
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By: Yellowroseheart on 7/31/2009 5:24PM
Oh how I remember when my daughter was born and the hair on her head as she grew up made me groan each and every time I had to comb her hair. She had such long and thick hair there was no way that I could let her go without combing it. So once every 6-8 weeks I would take 4-6 hours to braid her hair. In the beginning she would cry but as time passed and after experimenting with the limited number of products I could find at the Kadena Air Base BX in Okinawa Japan, I took several mixed together and created a product that made it easier to do her hair and eventually she would fall asleep throughout the entire braiding session. This went on until she was 7 years old, she decided that braiding her hair was enough and she wanted to wear the styles of her friends at school. So we did the press and curl for a while and that still took hours and her hair would last a mere 2 to 3 days. After 4 years we decided to use our first relaxer. Her hair fell out twice due to hairdressers not understanding that a relaxer is just that a relaxer and you can not use a hot comb on that type of hair and each time I worked to grow it back. I was successful each time and it grew longer and thicker than ever. She is now 27 and has a beautiful head of hair, long and thick but relaxed.
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By: Sparkle on 8/01/2009 11:22AM
It's still sad that in the 21st century black girls are still learning that our hair is ugly and "bad" and you still have black adults marveling over kids with "good" hair. It takes a tremendous effort as a parent to instill self-esteem in a little black girl when both black and white society still deem long silky hair as a beauty asset and short kinky hair as a "defect".
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By: Mrs. Mercedes Benz on 8/01/2009 1:42PM
Lady day I love your comment. I decided to stop chemically processing my hair in 95'. I have 100% chemically free waist length hair. I'm stopped daily with comments that make sense and some that are asinine. Girl, is that your hair? I say yes. If I were you, I would relax it and it would be so pretty. Huh? 3 biracial children (2 girls and newborn son). Their hair texture is waaay more manageable, than mine(2b texture) and people will do the same to my girls. Oh, they have good hair, you're so lucky. Lucky? Yes, their hair is manageable, but what does that have to do with good hair? My motto is "Good Hair is Healthy Hair" no matter what texture it is. I hate to say my grandmother was the same way. She had long silky wavy hair and hated my sisters and I hair. It's hard to believe black women today, as many options and knowledge that we have about our hair; still feel the need to ridicule and loathe it. I shaved my head bald in 95' and now have very long hair in 09' and i've learned to love my hair!
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By: tip toe on 8/01/2009 3:33PM
sumone needs 2 take tha wig off tha mom head n lay her on tha floor n brush her naps, or wedge her between teir legs n carlessly brush her hair...if u dont feel like doin her hair take her 2 tha shop, cant afford it have sum 1 who cares do her hair...she didnt even try holdin tha roots while brushin tha ends first...n i saw hair lotion but none was applied...she needs a son not a daughter..n tha ppl in tha backgroun laughing is just as stupid for making a young girls pain a joke on the internet!!!
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By: a parent on 8/01/2009 3:42PM
If she was a mother with love in her heart she wouldn't do that to her child. Take that perm and weave out her hair and let somebody comb her nappy ass hair and see how she feel.
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